I have been chosen, Dear Leader, to bring you bad news. Reluctant as I am to disturb Your Serenity with upsetting tidings, I have seen to it that my insurance is paid up and sent my wife and children to visit China for a while, and here I am, prepared to do my duty.

We followed your infallible advice, Brilliant Leader, and issued a back channel invitation to President Trump, promising him the largest crowd of human beings ever assembled if he would come to Pyongyang for talks. As your unerring judgment predicted, he accepted on the condition that his trip be made to seem accidental. Accordingly, it was arranged for Air Force One to be afflicted with motor trouble while passing over the DPRK, and it landed safely at the Sunan Airport yesterday afternoon. No official ceremony was arranged, since this was an “unintended” visit.

While we awaited your “notification”, Great Leader, and your decision as to whether or not to personally appear, we organized, as you had instructed, a flash mob to assemble in Kim Il-sung Square, so that “no bit of pavement should be visible from any elevated photographic view”. To this crowd President Trump was presented, and he seemed delighted, waving and smiling from the roof of the Grand People’s House. He was informed, as the Beloved Father of the Nation had suggested, that the official count of attendees was “well over a million”, although the largest crowd ever actually assembled there was 100,000. He welcomed the estimate and gave a thumbs-up, saying “Take that, Hillary!” which seems to be one of his mantras.

His entourage seemed somewhat less enthusiastic, but deferred to their leader when he proposed a toast to you, Great General, as “one of the good people on both sides” of the question of who should be first to press the Red Button. No formal talks were scheduled, and President Trump’s wife’s request for a permit for a trunk show of some of her best-selling items was declined. (It was turned down on the grounds that it might be seen as an insult to the surviving families from the ongoing famine in the north of our nation.)

A backup plane that happened to be in the area — something called the Emmelt Two — was summoned from South Korea, and the entire party was re-assembled at the airport, where a parade had been organized and a red carpet had been spread, when the totally unexpected happened.

The State Department in Washington notified us through the back channel that President Trump would not be allowed to re-enter the United States. His passport had been revoked by Congressional vote, together with those of all his family members.

There being no other country that would volunteer to take them, Tsar Putin offered a thirty-day visitor’s visa, which Mr. Trump accepted. After delivering him to Moscow, the back-up aircraft then departed, leaving him and his family stranded in one of the hotels in which he happens to have a controlling interest in that city.

The next steps are unclear at this point, Dear Sun of the Communist Future, except that I would like take this occasion to remind you that I had no part in arranging any of these events, and that beheading the messenger who brings bad news is no longer generally regarded as proper world-class diplomatic behavior.

Who are these fellows gripping my elbows? Where am I being taken?