Date: 8 February 2018

From: Donald J. Trump

To: Kierstjen Nielsen, Secretary of Homeland Security

Subject: The New York City Wall

Well, Kierstjen, we finally have incontrovertible evidence of where the radical Islamic terrorists who threaten our Great American heartland are coming from. Even the lying, disgusting, fake news, failing New York Times has printed the story. I quote :

“Two New York City men have pleaded guilty to federal charges they plotted a pressure cooker bomb attack in the city on behalf of the Islamic State, prosecutors said on Friday.”

Doesn’t say what color they were, but this only corroborates what I told you earlier : New York is full of people who hate me. They hate my Tower, my wealth, my success, and my daughter, and if they knew my wife and my sons better, they would hate them, too. So it is time for Plan C — the New York City Wall. If these schemers and haters are confined inside a thirty-foot high wall they won’t be able to carry out pressure-cooker plots to kill and maim the good people out in our Great White America.

I have consulted Wikipedia, which despite everyone saying it is a source of fake facts occasionally does get some right. New York City contains 303 square miles in its five boroughs. Simple mathematics (Square Roots, which any four-year old child can handle with the help of a calculator) says that if all this were in a single contiguous space a wall 174 miles long could enclose it all. With allowances for the ins and outs of bays, harbors, gerrymandered election districts, and possible Mafia family treaties, and for the probable problems of securing rights of way in New Jersey and on western Long Island, where those treasonous non-clappers Cuomo and di Blasio still have considerable influence, let us add 20% to that to be on the safe side, meaning we would need only 191 miles of wall. Call it 200 to make the math easier.

Using the latest officially projected cost figure for the Mexican wall (33 billion including graft and kickbacks; there are about 1,200 miles to go), we get a figure of 27 and a half million per mile, meaning that a New York City wall would cost only around 5 and a half billion dollars to build. A real bargain considering that those prospective pressure-cooker bombers will be physically confined and prevented from getting out to threaten the heartland where the real Americans live. I’m sure we can find that much to delete from the education budget or Medicare or somewhere.

If I keep my apartment in Trump Tower you can monitor my helicopter flights in and out to Florida and Washington to make sure no Muslims or Mexicans or Democrats are hiding in the wheel wells.

So I am instructing you to draft an Executive Order ASAP and bring it to me in the Oval Office and arrange for the press (those lying, cheating, probably adulterous, diseased and mentally handicapped wretches who hate me and my whole family) to be there to take pictures. I have already ordered the special felt pen we discussed, with the two-inch wide nib and small wheels to take the weight off my wrist. Please remember to leave me plenty of space for my new signature.

Regards to your family. You do have a family, don’t you?

Donald J. Trump