Month: March 2018

Nobody Said It Would Be Easy

So, did you learn anything life-changing at your lecture?

Is that supposed to be a snide remark?

Yes, I guess so. You go to all these lectures and symposia, three and four a week, and then you come back to the same old routine — bitching and criticizing and grumbling about how stupid everyone else is, but nothing changes. And you don’t do anything differently. That’s a life?

What would you have me do? I retired 20 years ago. Nobody is going to give a 95-year old any kind of responsible job where he can have any effect on the world. I’m in the Golden Age warehouse, my friend. Waiting for the forklift to come and select me. The only defense I have is to try to keep my mind from atrophying — to keep up with current events. To be concerned. Anyway, what’s it to you? Who am I hurting by going to lectures?

OK. Sorry. It’s just that I think too many of us confuse bitching with politics. What was the lecture about this time?

Problems with prisons. Speaker was an ex-warden. The title was, “Rehab or vengeance?”

And what did he have to say?

Nothing new. You can have one or the other, but not both together. That we use prison as a catch-all solution to a lot of unrelated social problems : petty crime, drug use, mental illness, dangerous malefactors, political insurrectionists, terrorists, gang warfare. Most of them not even faintly related to each other. We don’t know what to do with these people so we just lock ’em up so they can’t annoy us. We forget that they all have different problems. If they complain, there’s always solitary confinement. One size fits all. The black hole swallows you. We can go back to dealing with other more interesting topics : the Celebrity Hall of Fame, football, the difference between a pat on the ass and a pass.

But you have to admit; prison works. Those people are taken out of our hair. That’s really the purpose. We don’t really want it to change. It works. So why do we waste time talking about it?

Because it’s expensive. We pay more a year to keep someone in prison than it would to pay for his full Harvard tuition. But a year in prison will leave him exactly where he was before he went to jail, except more bitter and better skilled by fellow prisoner tutors in being a crook. A year’s education with a good teacher in a civics class might start him on the road to change. If you give him the education he missed out on for whatever reason : poverty, anger, skin color, bad luck — to learn about what society owes him and what he owes society — he might come out of jail more inclined to play a useful role and we might all get some benefit from his rehabilitation.

This is what they call in Silicon Valley a “cost-benefit” analysis?

Right.

So then let’s just do it. Why do we need more lectures? What’s stopping us?

Let me list those who are stopping us :

  • Politicians who find “Law and Order” a nice resonant off-the-shelf slogan that costs them no campaign funds.

  • Private stockholders who find investing in the outsourcing of the correction system irresistibly juicy since crooks can’t vote and can’t even complain without being beaten up.

  • Poorly educated correction personnel who have passed a sinecure job down from generation to generation and regard it as their birthright.

  • Politicians in need of ready-made jobs to distribute to their friends and donors.

  • Victims of crime who prefer an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth to cost-benefit analysis and Christian forgiveness. “My daughter will never walk again because of his DUI. May that son of a bitch rot in solitary the rest of his life. Spend the money on sending my grandson to Yale; not on that animal.”

Pretty tough lineup. What did your warden have to propose?

That while there isn’t much hope of making a dent on the first four groups, there still might be a chance to reach some of the eye for an eye people.

Based on what?

The “Christian forgiveness” bit. The “Lock ’em up” groups include a lot of evangelicals and people who feel left out by elite politics. They tend to be emotional about it. See everything personally. We could try to convince them that Christ was serious when he said that saving one black sheep was worth more than rewarding a saint. Get them really worked up over that. Saving souls. Prostrations before the altar. Tears and ululations. Torchlight parades with confetti for people who are born again. If you can do that you can stifle the other groups, whose reasons are more practical, but who are not about to tackle a fight against Christ.

And what in the world makes you think that such a far-out unbelievable and unanticipated crazy program could ever get a foothold in today’s United States of America?

The election of Donald Trump as President.

Oh. I forgot about that.

Go back

Your message has been sent

 

Brilliant Comrade

(Recently revealed Proceedings of a Meeting of the State Affairs Commission of the DPRK, Pyongyang 18 December 2011)

Gentlemen,

We are at a crossroads.

Now that our former Dear Leader has died and I have modestly assumed his mantle, I have analyzed our nation’s position and achieved certain insights about our future, both immediate and long-term.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

First, since my grandfather was Great Leader and my father was Dear Leader, I have retired those titles and decided to call myself Brilliant Comrade.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

Second, since questions of succession inevitably give rise to jockeying for power and foster underhanded plots, I have decided to eliminate this possibility by having both my half-brother and my uncle assassinated. My aim in this is cleaner politics. I trust there will be no further discussion on this point.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

But I have called you together here to discuss my thinking and give me your considered counsel about the direction of our national future. Like my father and his before him I always make it a point to listen to trusted experts and follow their advice so long as it agrees with my thinking. So in this case we shall begin with an analysis of our country’s present position in the world.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

Although we are only half as numerous as our cousins in the south, we are by far the purer descendants of our ancient Korean ancestors, relatively uncontaminated by the effects of Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and American occupation, and therefore are the rightful heirs to the entirety of the Korean Peninsula.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

It will therefore be my job to reverse recent history and reassert North Korean dominance. Domestically, in this effort I will take advantage of every opportunity to include members of my immediate family and trustworthy close acquaintances in the operations of government. Any thought of civic advancement based on anything other than a blood relationship or complete personal loyalty to me should be abandoned. Further assassinations are not beyond consideration if required.

[“Hear, Hear!” General Applause.]

On the worldwide scene, it will be necessary to qualify for the KDR to gain membership in the various international organizations established by currently larger and more powerful nations that for the moment dominate world trade and politics. Given the paucity of our natural resources and our current cash position, this will require extraordinary levels of sacrifice by our populace. It cannot be accomplished solely by economic development, since we start too late. It will have to be done by threats and bullying. The educated few will have to be offered privileges and comforts denied to the ordinary citizens in order to provide them with the incentives to create terrifying weapons to be used for blackmail and extortion. That this may well include starvation rations for millions of farmers and lethal conditions for many urban poor is deplorable but unavoidable. You will have to trust your Brilliant Leader that this course will in the end bring our currently more powerful neighbors sniveling to our doorstep to avoid annihilation by our weapons. We have less to lose than they, and that’s why we will succeed. They will be afraid that we are unpredictable and irresponsible and in the end they will come crawling in search of assurance that their already established wealth can be protected. Do not cringe at the growlings of the paper tiger in the U.S. He is spineless in the face of a threat of a war of mutual annihilation. We are the ones who have nothing to lose.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

So that’s the program. Now that I have listened to your comments and gained your assent, we can start implementing it immediately. Step number one is to steal or buy all available information on nuclear weapons and delivery systems from whatever source. For this purpose we will cozy up to those already in the nuclear club who are willing to deal with us, and look for opportunities to deal with foreign traitors in possession of such knowledge. For our protection during this phase we need a credible threat against those who might want to impede us. This threat will consist primarily of letting those nations with which we have borders, including our brothers in the south, know that a collapse of our government will bring a flood of dependent welfare seekers so great as to overwhelm their capacity to absorb it. In fear of such a development they will allow us to pursue our ultimate aim, although they may even be aware of our purpose.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

So, in the words of our national motto : “Onwards Towards the Final Victory”.

[“Hear, Hear!” Applause. Foot stomping.]

Go back

Your message has been sent