(Recently revealed Proceedings of a Meeting of the State Affairs Commission of the DPRK, Pyongyang 18 December 2011)

Gentlemen,

We are at a crossroads.

Now that our former Dear Leader has died and I have modestly assumed his mantle, I have analyzed our nation’s position and achieved certain insights about our future, both immediate and long-term.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

First, since my grandfather was Great Leader and my father was Dear Leader, I have retired those titles and decided to call myself Brilliant Comrade.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

Second, since questions of succession inevitably give rise to jockeying for power and foster underhanded plots, I have decided to eliminate this possibility by having both my half-brother and my uncle assassinated. My aim in this is cleaner politics. I trust there will be no further discussion on this point.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

But I have called you together here to discuss my thinking and give me your considered counsel about the direction of our national future. Like my father and his before him I always make it a point to listen to trusted experts and follow their advice so long as it agrees with my thinking. So in this case we shall begin with an analysis of our country’s present position in the world.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

Although we are only half as numerous as our cousins in the south, we are by far the purer descendants of our ancient Korean ancestors, relatively uncontaminated by the effects of Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and American occupation, and therefore are the rightful heirs to the entirety of the Korean Peninsula.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

It will therefore be my job to reverse recent history and reassert North Korean dominance. Domestically, in this effort I will take advantage of every opportunity to include members of my immediate family and trustworthy close acquaintances in the operations of government. Any thought of civic advancement based on anything other than a blood relationship or complete personal loyalty to me should be abandoned. Further assassinations are not beyond consideration if required.

[“Hear, Hear!” General Applause.]

On the worldwide scene, it will be necessary to qualify for the KDR to gain membership in the various international organizations established by currently larger and more powerful nations that for the moment dominate world trade and politics. Given the paucity of our natural resources and our current cash position, this will require extraordinary levels of sacrifice by our populace. It cannot be accomplished solely by economic development, since we start too late. It will have to be done by threats and bullying. The educated few will have to be offered privileges and comforts denied to the ordinary citizens in order to provide them with the incentives to create terrifying weapons to be used for blackmail and extortion. That this may well include starvation rations for millions of farmers and lethal conditions for many urban poor is deplorable but unavoidable. You will have to trust your Brilliant Leader that this course will in the end bring our currently more powerful neighbors sniveling to our doorstep to avoid annihilation by our weapons. We have less to lose than they, and that’s why we will succeed. They will be afraid that we are unpredictable and irresponsible and in the end they will come crawling in search of assurance that their already established wealth can be protected. Do not cringe at the growlings of the paper tiger in the U.S. He is spineless in the face of a threat of a war of mutual annihilation. We are the ones who have nothing to lose.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

So that’s the program. Now that I have listened to your comments and gained your assent, we can start implementing it immediately. Step number one is to steal or buy all available information on nuclear weapons and delivery systems from whatever source. For this purpose we will cozy up to those already in the nuclear club who are willing to deal with us, and look for opportunities to deal with foreign traitors in possession of such knowledge. For our protection during this phase we need a credible threat against those who might want to impede us. This threat will consist primarily of letting those nations with which we have borders, including our brothers in the south, know that a collapse of our government will bring a flood of dependent welfare seekers so great as to overwhelm their capacity to absorb it. In fear of such a development they will allow us to pursue our ultimate aim, although they may even be aware of our purpose.

[“Hear, Hear!”]

So, in the words of our national motto : “Onwards Towards the Final Victory”.

[“Hear, Hear!” Applause. Foot stomping.]