Chief Executive Officer: Come on in, buddy. My office door is always open. Have a sit.
Chief Financial Officer: Thanks.
CEO: What’s new?
CFO: Well, it ain’t exactly new. We’re due to report to shareholders on the fiscal year this month. Happens every year. But this year I see a problem.
CEO: You’ve handled them before. You can handle this one. I’m going to be in Bermuda. Family and I leave Monday. We chartered a jet.
CFO: I don’t think it’s going to be that easy this time. It’s been a lousy year. I might even say superlousy.
CEO: Tell me about it.
CFO: Revenue down 25 percent. Same store sales down 35.
CEO: How come?
CFO: Who knows? The gadget market is always risky. People want the latest one; not necessarily the best one. Combination lipsticks and Mace sprays are just not big this year. Plus we got some new competition.
CEO: So we come up with the next big thing. Don’t have to tell ‘em what it is; just tell the analysts it’s coming. They’ll have their tongues hanging out in anticipation. Everyone wants in on the next Xerox. Stock price will go over the moon.
CFO: We did that last year, but the designers never came up with anything the salesmen felt they could sell.
CEO: So we hire new designers.
CFO: Haven’t got enough money to offer them good salaries.
CEO: Not enough money?
CFO: Cash flow negative, we’ve already put our suppliers on notice — payables on 90-day basis now, 120 days starting next week, but we’re already 120 days behind with most of them. We’re paying C.O.D. on two of our biggest accounts already.
CEO: So call the bank. They have to be on our side if they expect to ever get their loans back.
CFO: I think they’ve already written us off. They don’t answer my phone calls. I have to hike down to the branch office and sign the visitor sheet.
CEO: So tell the shareholders we need another round of start-up financing — to expand our share of the market.
CFO: Tried that at the last board meeting. It won’t fly. Our own directors are selling on the sly. Scared.
CEO: So we move production overseas. India. Fifty cents and hour, same quality, same schedules. And everybody speaks English, not Cantonese.
CFO: We’re already there. And they’re wising up. Seventy cents in the last contract.
CEO: How about layoffs? Bring the payroll down. Employees don’t want to risk losing their jobs if the company goes bust. They’re more willing to bet on their chances of personally escaping the ax. Besides, the union needs us bad. Did I mention that Charlie and his girlfriend are meeting us in Bermuda? He’s the celebrating his election as the new union president. How many would we have to lay off?
CFO: Thousands. And don’t forget that in the end they’re our customers. If we lose any more customers we’re going to die of loneliness. And we’d be losing even more revenue.
CEO: So what do you figure on doing?
CFO: So I checked out Chapter Eleven. Lawyers say we’re not good candidates. No believable plan. Judge would probably order liquidation.
CEO: What’s left then?
CFO: You and I resign. Let the Board take the heat. How is your retirement fund doing? Is your golden parachute in good repair? How’s the weather in Bermuda this time of year?
CEO: Time for lunch. We’re booked at noon. We need to draft an announcement.
CFO: I’ll get my tie.
Vance Weaver 