1st Fly on the Wall: So where are you taking me now?

2nd Fly on the Wall: Hush! Be reverent. Be grateful that we’ve made it this far. This is the Cabinet Room, where the President meets with his advisers once a week to decide national policy. For many of his Cabinet this is the only opportunity they will have all week to even see him in person. That’s POTUS’s Chief of Staff, John Kelly, calling the meeting to order. Let’s listen.

Kelly: Is everyone here? Are there enough chairs? This has been getting a bit difficult with lately with so many people to accommodate. They tell me FDR’s cabinet meetings used to require only 12 chairs and a round table, but as you know we Republicans in our battle to starve the government have now got it pared down to 25, including all the “cabinet-level” appointees. But that means you will all have to speak up so you can be heard at the far ends of the table. No yelling, though. The higher decibel levels are reserved for President Trump’s exclusive use. And no applause, please for anyone’s remarks except his.

You all know the regular rules:

• No reports that won’t fit on one 8½x11 double-spaced page.

• Switch immediately to flattery if you detect signs of POTUS being threatened with GES (Glazed Eyeball Syndrome).

• Don’t hesitate to interrupt and change the subject at any opportunity; this is an officially approved discussion tactic.

• Curtsying and bowing upon POTUS’s entrance are optional but recommended.

Oh, and an encouraging note about last week’s meeting: I have just been informed that beginning next week a duplicate of Macy’s window will be installed next to the side portico where you all come in. Rules for its use will be posted during the week. Now is everyone ready? Applause, please.

POTUS: Everyone here bright and early, I see. Down to work without any preliminaries. I like that. Shows respect. Who do we hear from first, Mike?

Kelly: Alphabetical order, sir, us usual. Mr. Pruitt.

The Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Pruitt: I fail to see, Mr. President, where my personal tastes have any bearing on the performance of my government duties and I am exasperated over the attention the phony media is giving these stories about my supposed weakness for luxury. If your administration wants to attract the best talent from the private sector, it must offer us the same level of reward that the private sector does. A personal airplane is after all only a relatively minor perk, and first-class travel and a soundproof private phone are no more than trivial conveniences …

Kelly: Now, now, Scott, remember what we agreed?

Mr. Pruitt: Yes, but …

Kelly: Alphabetical order, sir. Next is the Attorney General.

Attorney General Sessions: Here, sir. Right across from you. Remember me? No report to make, since I have recused myself from anything dealing with presidential malfeasance. Leaves me very little to do. Maybe at the next meeting. Your hair does look great though.

Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Haspel: Our Black Ops agents have been exceptionally successful recently, sir, in infiltrating the Deep State organizations responsible for white persecution in so much of the country. Especially in states harboring Sanctuary Cities, where several plans for coups have been thwarted — mainly instigated by impoverished Mexican illegal immigrants and Muslims exposed to head colds because of head scarf bans. We …

Director of the Office of Management and Budget Mulvaney: Your instruction about keeping the results of our assessments secret until after appropriation bills have been passed has proved difficult because of lack of cooperation from the full Nine, but we have put in place stalling tactics regarding publication that often have the desired effect. I look forward to helping you in any way I can to eliminate my office altogether.

Director of National Intelligence Coats: We are trying to keep everything quiet until your next Tweet, sir. Since we have been reduced to a footnote in the PDB, we have concluded that remaining as far undercover as possible is our best policy. Shhh.

Secretary for Small Business Affairs McMahon: Give me a moment, John. I’m just wrestling with my attaché case and trying to give the impression that the outcome is in doubt (haha! That’s a joke.) We’re working on a survey, Mr. President, that will show that a few large businesses are ten times more efficient than thousands of small businesses, since relevant legislation can be more effectively directed where needed, including subsidies and bailouts. Haven’t got all the numbers to come out right just yet, By our next meeting … John? Oh, sorry.

Secretary of Agriculture Purdue: I’m pleased to report that your export quotas on food shipments to those countries behind on their NATO bills have already resulted in thousands of farmer bankruptcies in both Kansas and Nebraska, which will enable us to close our local offices there and dispense with hundreds of bureaucratic staff, thus saving thousands of dollars. In fact I have estimated …Ooops! It’s great to have you here, Mr. President. As I was saying this morning to my wife …

Secretary of Commerce Ross: Commerce here, Mr. President. Pleased to report that the new import tax schedule has already reduced incoming port traffic by almost 30%. Thousands of stevedoring jobs have already been terminated, which will undoubtedly further weaken the Longshoremen’s Union.

Secretary of Defense Mattis: The threats to our power everywhere in the world remain unremitting, and I am strongly recommending a fifty percent increase in the Pentagon’s budget. The F-57 Invisible Fighter …

Mr. Kelly: Now, James, remember what I told you.

Mr. Mattis: Sorry, sir.

Secretary of Education DeVos: Together with the adoption of our new mission statement — Every public school student represents a lost tuition-paying opportunity for a for-profit school, and with the full elimination of the budget line for education we foresee a wide-open field of solid opportunity during the next two years, even sufficient, with luck, to withstand the inevitable pushback after 2020.

POTUS: You mean at the start of my second term? Why would there be a pushback then, as you put it? A horrible horrible word?

Mrs. DeVos: Well, our actuaries tell us that we need to protect our endowment structures, sir, and … Ooops! Sorry, John. What have HAVE you done to your hair? It looks wonderful. So shiny.

Secretary for Energy Perry: Sorry to interrupt, Liz. but my news is so encouraging I can’t resist. Thanks to your new import taxes, sir, on solar and wind hardware from China Wall Street oil futures and coal-mining stocks are reaching highs not seen since 2008. I would urge you to impose equally high import duties on automated mining and drilling machinery. Automation must be stopped if domestic jobs in the fossil fuel industry are to be saved. We are also exploring height limits for windmills. Ten feet has been suggested.

Mr. Kelly: Mr. Azar.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Azar: You can just call me Al. Actually, I would be glad if you just called me. I am getting pretty lonely in my office with no assignments. A little human warmth and companionship as signified by a nickname would be welcome. There is in any event little activity to report now that Mr.Gates has taken over so much of our burden, and we are expecting to cut back further as we discredit the vaccine people. They … Yes, John.

Secretary of Homeland Security Nielsen: I can proudly report that we have just created a new watchlist, sir, of unruly airline passengers who have protested against requests to be bumped from their flights to make room for government officials flying home first class on Friday nights. The people on this list will be refused admission right at the entrances to the airports, where TSA personnel will be assigned to check names. This is expected to prevent unsightly scenes. I am also … OK, John, OK.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Carson: We are working on a study to show that the housing shortage frequently cited by the fake news media is a myth. The actual problem is not a dearth of dwellings; it is a surplus of people. Some cultures seem to deliberately encourage overpopulation. Our new guidelines for applications for public housing direct that applicants with last names Roosevelt, Washington, or Jefferson be required to submit a photo ID, taken in strong light. There is reason to believe that some of these people are trying to use ancestral connections to gain preferred position in our waiting lists. We are prepared to institute DNA testing if necessary. The Wall is another step in the right direction …

POTUS: That’ll do for Miranda and José, but what about Mohammad and Khadija?

Carson: Give me two days for some research and we can create another list.

Secretary of the Interior Zinke: I have placed all my mining stock in LLC corporations in the name of my wife and my children and my Great Aunt Matilda. What more can I expected to do to show my complete independence from any connections with the enterprises I am sworn to regulate? What kind of a name is “Elephant Ears” for a national park, anyway. Stupid. Sounds like an ad for super-sized Q-tips. No dignity. At least Grand Tetons was a pleasure to think about. Some of my best friends don’t own mines at all.

Secretary of Labor Acosta: I guess you can call me Al, too. Nobody comes by my office even just to say hello. What am I, chopped liver?

Secretary of State Pompeo: First on a personal note, if you run into Rex Tillerson would you give him my regards and tell him he left a stale cigar in his desk drawer? He was in and out of here so fast I didn’t get a chance to meet him. But as to business, I can only express my admiration for your takeover of my department, sir. It relieves me and my staff of so much work. We can just check the Twitter feeds in the morning and forget about whether they make sense. It’s a great relief after years of trying to figure out where we rate in the world. The Foreign Service has now been trimmed by half of its former staff level, which is already saving us a small fortune on both salaries and diplomatic cables and airfare. Any new instructions this morning, sir?

Representative of the United States at the United Nations Haley: Adding up all the numbers, sir, and presuming that all foreign orders for military hardware remain firm, we find that immediately foreclosing on all client states for their due prorated contributions to NATO and all similar treaty commitments would result in sufficient billions in savings to finance a wall completely around the contiguous states, including sea walls high enough to eliminate danger from 1000-year storms. Besides, it’s only fair.

Secretary of Transportation Chao: We have just completed a study that shows that creation of new infrastructure only results in calls for redoubled expenditures on maintenance, which has serious deleterious effects on our Homeland Defense and Pentagon budgets. We therefore suggest … all right, John, can’t I even …?

Secretary of the Treasury Mnuchin: Your suggestion about switching treasury bonds to Bitcoin is under serious consideration, sir. While it is true that secrecy is nearly always a good thing, certain questions remain about anomalies in the routing of certain funds, especially in what used to be our ruble accounts. They don’t always seem as transparent as we would like them to appear. Plus, maintenance and power charges on all those mining servers threaten to be far more expensive in the end than the former monthly Fed meetings.

U.S. Trade Representative Lighthizer: I hate to interject anything personal at this point, Mr. President, but can you please tell me where to find my office? Presumably it is being efficiently run by my staff, but this constantly walking the corridors to show the paparazzi how busy I am is getting hard on my bunions.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Thomas Bowman: Mr. Shulkin gave me such short notice of this meeting, sir, that I haven’t had time to prepare any remarks.

POTUS: Splendid, splendid! We need more advisors like you.

Vice President Pence: President Trump will now say a few words. I shall listen carefully.

1st Fly on the Wall: I think we need a spot of lunch. Shall we repair to the cafeteria and look for something tasty?

2nd Fly on the Wall: Don’t we need to listen to Mr. Trump?

1st Fly on the Wall: I don’t. His little palms are itching to get around his cell phone and start tweeting about what a GREAT meeting this was and how pleased he was that everyone agreed that it was perhaps one of the greatest cabinet meetings ever held. He will thank everyone for coming and announce that he has found a high school football team in Utah that will accept the invitation to the White House that he withdrew from the Philadelphia Eagles when they refused to promise not to kneel in the Oval Office. Plus, my feet are getting tired. This is a slippery wall.

2nd Fly on the Wall: OK. We’ll hear it all in a different version on Fox News anyway. I’m hungry, too. Let’s go.