“You’re right; that’s a hatchet. I always carry a hatchet when I go into a cherry orchard. You never know when a tree might fall and you would have to chop your way out from under the branches. I lost a good friend that way once. By the way, do you know The Cherry Orchard? Very good play, they tell me. Russian. Those Russians know a thing or two. Very cultured people. We should respect their history. Yes, OK, about the hatchet. Yes, that’s a picture of a stump that looks as though it might have been produced by such a hatchet. Could also have been done by a beaver, I guess. People are saying that. Some of the best people. No, I’ve never seen a beaver around here, but who am I to judge? Well, come to think of it, I did hear some chopping back there in the orchard. Could have been close to where I was. Maybe not, though. The acoustics are strange there. Even that guy Tolstoy noticed that. It wasn’t Tolstoy? Well, I’m not a lit major — I was busy at The Wharton School getting my MBA, so I could go into my Dad’s real-estate business and make a lot of money. A LOT of money! More than my Dad ever made. That’s W-H-A-R-T-O-N. Make sure you spell it right. A very high-class school.The best in the country. They only admit the best people. I was at the top of my class. Always the smartest guy in the room. No, I never kept the transcript, but you can use my career as evidence. One of the brainiest people ever born. Genius rating. IQ off the charts. The stump? Well, I admit it’s pretty strong evidence but I have two high-priced lawyers working right now trying to have it ruled irrelevant. No witnesses. I’d say probably beavers. But how about those 33,000 e-mails of Hillary’s? Where are they? And where is that server that was supposedly hacked in the office of the Democratic National Committee? Strange things happen to evidence when the Justice Department or the FBI gets hold of it for safekeeping. Like those doctored photographs that supposedly showed grass instead of people on the Mall at my inauguration. I never saw any grass. Not saying they are incompetent, but people are talking. I’m not responsible for what they say. I just listen. That’s my job. Listen to both sides. There are always good people on both sides. You never know how respectable and important they might be until they take off those sheets. I’m a big strong healthy fellow but I wouldn’t go to a peaceful meeting where a bunch of rabid socialists might attack at any moment without a weapon of some kind to defend myself with. Without taking sides, mind you. Well, to come back to that tree, I’m not outright denying that I might have done it. Practice in advance always helps when it comes to the actual emergency. Let’s suppose I did without really meaning to. Just chipping away to pass the time. What can we do about it now? Can’t graft the tree back onto the stump. Can’t put the cherries back on the tree. How about a deal? I promise never to do it again, even if I didn’t do it in the first place, and I agree to plant a replacement tree — even two. You forbid the media from talking any more about it (by telling the judge to seal the indictment), and I provide free cherries to your favorite charity for as long as the ones on this felled tree last. Deal? What did you say was the name of the Cherry Orchard guy? Sarah should have briefed me on that.”