Shut Up and Dance, Boy!

If you ask me it’s the fault of those damn do-gooders who can never leave well enough alone. Every time we get the country running along nicely, they decide it needs improving. They some group that they say is getting screwed by the status quo. Show me a system that doesn’t screw some existing group or other and I’ll get you a lifetime pass to Madison Square Garden. So they go and tinker with it, and that invariably makes it worse.

You can go back as far as you want in world history, even as far as the Garden of Eden, but in America I think the best example was the Civil War. We had a pretty solid country before that. Everybody knew the rules. Blacks did the work, whites made the money and the laws and judges knew which side their bread was buttered on. Politicians respected what the people wanted. King Cotton was bringing in the bucks from overseas and the planters’ wives were starting to explore dress styles in Paris. The only complainers were nut cases like John Brown. Troublemakers.

Take Harper’s Ferry : we settled John Brown’s hash, but by then the do-gooders were onto Jim Crow, and they started mining it for all they were worth. It was worth 620,000 soldiers’ lives before they were through, and what they started still ain’t over. All that to cater to a minority of slaves who didn’t even have enough education to understand that they were oppressed. We wound up educating them, and what did it get us? Or them?

Now don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that Kaepernick’s taking of a knee is in the same class as Fort Sumter, but sit back and think about it. The football industry was rocking along pretty solidly on the basis of its accepted myths. Colleges offered the inducement of a free degree to the suckers who suffered concussions getting banged around on the Astroturf-covered concrete of the gridirons every fall. The NCAA, supported by the dues paid by the pro team owners, enforced the rules of ‘amateurism’, to make sure that the suckers got no part of the TV and clothing revenues, or the ticket sales, or the TV contracts. All the money went to the extravagant salaries the college presidents had to pay to attract quality coaches and the bonuses they paid to the lobbyists who were required to ensure that their fancy arenas were financed by taxpayer funds and not by the institutions themselves. Everything was running smoothly. Nobody wanted to rock the boat.

Then along came Kaepernick, and suddenly our guaranteed weekend entertainment (and vacation from politics) was in jeopardy. Now we had to think about brain damage, fake degrees that everyone knew represented mastery of such scholarly subjects as ‘Canoeing’ and ‘Aspects of Athletic Training’, and we had to consider who was going to pay for the health care of all those used-up punch-drunk gladiators. This from late August to February — almost half the year — and you can bet it will spill over in some form to baseball and basketball, the other major escapist windows for those not yet ready to turn to porn.

Do-gooders! Why can’t they take a minute to consider the results before they just go down on one knee ‘to express solidarity’? Solidarity with whom? With what? If this is all about Black Lives Matter and fixing the system that killed Trayvon Martin and assured George Zimmerman that he was going to get no more than a slap on the wrist, why not go after that system directly? Don’t interfere with my one chance at the end of the week to just enjoy myself without thinking about whether four years will be enough time for Donald to completely destroy the country or whether we will see through him in time?

Have we lost our minds? Football should be sacred!

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

Mistakes Happen

Hey, Joe, know anything about this guy?

Kelley? Devin? No. Wait, let me see that form again. Dishonorable? One-year sentence?

That’s what it says. Beat up his wife and kid. The kid died. Skull fracture.

Well. His life’s finished now. With a dishonorable he’s going to be looking a long time to find a job. He’ll wind up like all the others — working under the table for peanuts. No benefits. No pension. A lot of them go for the bottle. Or something stronger. End up on the street, sleeping on a piece of cardboard. He’ll need a lot of luck.

Shame, in a way. Sometimes I hate this job. Couldn’t the Air Force have found something less mean for me to do? One moment of anger and he’s finished. Surely he didn’t mean to kill the kid. Just flipped. A few seconds out of control and his whole life is ruined. Do you ever stop to think how many lives we are ruining? There are well over a hundred DDs issued every day of the year. It may be just paperwork to you and me, but it’s life and death for the people who get them. Now where are those notification sheets for the NCIC* database? Got to let them know to put his name on the no gun buy list.

Should be right here, but the slot’s empty.

We do use ‘em up fast. Maybe something about the Air Corps attracts people with short fuses. I’ll call Supply for some more.

OK. Put his file on the table; we’ll finish it after lunch. Still seems like a pretty heavy hit. Still young and his future’s already gone — just like that.

[Later]

Joe, where’s that Kelley file? I thought I left it right here.

Some eager beaver must have grabbed it and sent it on down the line. I’ll go track it down.

Y’know what? Never mind. Maybe someone’s sending us a message. “Charity begins at home” or something like that. Tough enough for him to be getting a DD without us piling it on. Let it go. Who’s to know? Mistakes happen. No system is perfect. We’re supposed to be the country of second chances. Who you got next?

________________

[The FBI’s National Crime Information Center.]

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

Dear Leader

I have been chosen, Dear Leader, to bring you bad news. Reluctant as I am to disturb Your Serenity with upsetting tidings, I have seen to it that my insurance is paid up and sent my wife and children to visit China for a while, and here I am, prepared to do my duty.

We followed your infallible advice, Brilliant Leader, and issued a back channel invitation to President Trump, promising him the largest crowd of human beings ever assembled if he would come to Pyongyang for talks. As your unerring judgment predicted, he accepted on the condition that his trip be made to seem accidental. Accordingly, it was arranged for Air Force One to be afflicted with motor trouble while passing over the DPRK, and it landed safely at the Sunan Airport yesterday afternoon. No official ceremony was arranged, since this was an “unintended” visit.

While we awaited your “notification”, Great Leader, and your decision as to whether or not to personally appear, we organized, as you had instructed, a flash mob to assemble in Kim Il-sung Square, so that “no bit of pavement should be visible from any elevated photographic view”. To this crowd President Trump was presented, and he seemed delighted, waving and smiling from the roof of the Grand People’s House. He was informed, as the Beloved Father of the Nation had suggested, that the official count of attendees was “well over a million”, although the largest crowd ever actually assembled there was 100,000. He welcomed the estimate and gave a thumbs-up, saying “Take that, Hillary!” which seems to be one of his mantras.

His entourage seemed somewhat less enthusiastic, but deferred to their leader when he proposed a toast to you, Great General, as “one of the good people on both sides” of the question of who should be first to press the Red Button. No formal talks were scheduled, and President Trump’s wife’s request for a permit for a trunk show of some of her best-selling items was declined. (It was turned down on the grounds that it might be seen as an insult to the surviving families from the ongoing famine in the north of our nation.)

A backup plane that happened to be in the area — something called the Emmelt Two — was summoned from South Korea, and the entire party was re-assembled at the airport, where a parade had been organized and a red carpet had been spread, when the totally unexpected happened.

The State Department in Washington notified us through the back channel that President Trump would not be allowed to re-enter the United States. His passport had been revoked by Congressional vote, together with those of all his family members.

There being no other country that would volunteer to take them, Tsar Putin offered a thirty-day visitor’s visa, which Mr. Trump accepted. After delivering him to Moscow, the back-up aircraft then departed, leaving him and his family stranded in one of the hotels in which he happens to have a controlling interest in that city.

The next steps are unclear at this point, Dear Sun of the Communist Future, except that I would like take this occasion to remind you that I had no part in arranging any of these events, and that beheading the messenger who brings bad news is no longer generally regarded as proper world-class diplomatic behavior.

Who are these fellows gripping my elbows? Where am I being taken?

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

Tax Reform

Having lost, at least temporarily, their battle to kick 20 million Americans off their health care plans, send 20 million people back to Mexico, and close the door on future Muslim immigrants, the Republicans are now turning to their next project — reducing the taxes on well-off top money-earners and making up the deficit with a combination of higher taxes on the poor and less spending on entitlement programs. This was always at the top of their agenda, they just needed to get some momentum first. We can now look forward to a stretch of mind-numbing, demonstrably false pseudo statistics proving that Ronald Reagan’s trickle down economics was 100% correct but was sabotaged by succeeding Democratic administrations.

If that choice of topic leaves you less than enthusiastic, I advise you to just click and move on. But if you are so bored that you will read anything rather than just stare at the wall (or cut the grass or do the dishes) I am about to tackle the subject.

*

What is the fairest way for our federal government to raise the money it needs to finance its operations?

Historically we settled that question a hundred and fifty years ago. First in 1861, to be precise, when we decided on an income tax to help pay for the rising costs of the Civil War. We rescinded t briefly in 1872, but reinstated it with the Sixteenth Amendment in 1913. We decided on an income tax because income was assumed to be the best indicator of wealth and we all agreed that the wealthy should shoulder more of the burden of financing government, since they stood to benefit the most from its stability. Since then we have raised about 85% of our federal revenue that way. The more money you made, the higher your tax rate. Despite the fact that this principle comes unnervingly close to being Marxian (“From each according to his abilities; to each according to his need”), it is nevertheless now pretty much accepted across the political board. I make exception for Grover Norquist, a blinkered fanatic who is against all taxes, and for a few extreme Tea Party disciples of Ayn Rand, whose response to a cry for help from the poor is “Go get a job!”

I say we seem to have accepted the idea of a progressive income tax, but there has been at least one serious earlier effort to establish a different approach. That effort was by Henry George, an economist who advocated in 1871 a “single tax,” based solely on land ownership. Mr. George’s theory was that all land properly belonged to God and that communities and that individuals should be granted only limited use of it according to the degree that the community would benefit. People should not be allowed to just sit on their acreage waiting for it to become more valuable as the population increased. Accordingly, he said, taxes should be levied based on the amount of land each taxpayer temporarily controlled. This was a reasonably solid theory in a time when America’s economy was still largely agrarian, and the accumulation of wealth through production of tangible things—railroads, ships, buggy whips—all required actual property on which to situate one’s factories or roadbeds, rather than on the rather mysterious assets more popular today (“in the cloud”, “market share”), which require only faith. (Google’s astronomic share price rests essentially on nothing more than the computer code for its search algorithm. Microsoft’s silicon valley “campus,” luxurious though it is, represents but a tiny fraction of the company’s book value.) The amount of land one owned would today be an exceedingly inaccurate base for taxation.

(As an ironic footnote to the story of Henry George and his theory it can observed that in his later years, after his books had become famous, he supported himself — quite handsomely — by lecturing and writing, occupations that required no more land than enough floor space to accommodate a desk. He would have paid a negligible tax under his own proposal. But that’s a digression.)

I think we do all still share the belief that the wealthy should bear a bigger tax burden than the poor. I will argue here only that we are not calculating it right. Specifically, by using income as an indicator of wealth, we are short-sheeting ourselves.

The first problem is that you can be exceedingly wealthy and have no income at all. For example: let’s say I hit the lottery. I pay my one-time tax on my winnings, and I decide to stick the rest of my millions under my mattress, withdrawing only what I need to live on year by year. Thus I have no income to declare. I am wealthy by any common-sense measure, but I have “broken my arm,” as the priests used to say — I can no longer reach as far as the collection plate.

The second problem comes because of the ease with which income can be hidden. Details about shell companies, subsidies, exemptions, depletion allowances, deductions, abatements, and the like dot our tax laws like cotton bolls in an east Texas field — all conceived by legislators doing favors for wealthy campaign contributors. These loopholes are tucked into otherwise non-controversial “funding” bills passed at midnight on Fridays after the reporters have either gone home or to their favorite watering holes. They are very effective at shrinking the government’s revenue, and invariably benefit those who already enjoy the greatest wealth. This shifts the burden of cutting “discretionary” spending to those who are less rich — and do not have ready access to lawyers accountants and venal legislators — and it contradicts the avowed purpose of the graduated tax.

I share Mr. George’s objections to income as a measure of wealth, but I think that land ownership is no longer a good measure either in a non-agricultural society. I propose here that individual wealth can best be measured by simple ownership. Ownership of anything. Income can be too easily concealed by a leaseback deal with a shell company owned by your father-in-law, whose legal residence is in the Cayman Islands, and whose officers are your brother-in-law’s wife and kids. That will get you past the IRS’s computer check of your paperwork, but it won’t hide a privately outfitted Boeing 754 or a 55-million-dollar mansion or a 200-foot yacht. They will be visible not only to prowling IRS agents but also to whistle-blowers eager to benefit from their 15% bonuses..

Sounds easy? Fair? So what would be the problems?

All private wealth is really personal. (Each of us has some communal wealth as well — in the form of highways, the postal service, an army — but it would be hard to specify its varying value to each of us as citizens — roads to our favorite vacation spots, shipping lanes for the goods our factories produce, help for hurricane destroyed homes, means of transportation to and from our jobs. Pretty much beyond any reasonable hope of calculability.) But everything else is personal.

“Personal” would exclude taxes on companies or organizations taxes or any kind of general taxes (on cigarettes or cancer drugs, for example). The Roberts Court says that corporations are people, but that doesn’t make it so. Companies in truth “own” nothing; they are artificial entities owned by their owners or their shareholders even if their identities are sometimes concealed under layers of semantic fiscal creations like pension funds or golf clubs or “non-profits.” Such entities therefore would owe no taxes, since they don’t represent personal wealth, but their individual owners would have to own up to their individual stakes. The same logic would apply to all of Mr. Roberts’s artificial people — political parties, philanthropic foundations, churches, educational institutions, museums —they are all owned in the last analysis by individual living breathing identifiable and taxable people, some of whom are wealthier than others.

So a new-style Wealth Tax Form 1040 (as advocated by Senator Ted Cruz and several allies) would simply ask for a list of your personal assets and their value.

How to arrive at their value? Not really difficult. The prices of the most common of the items on your list (stocks, bonds, warrants, deferred bonuses, and all the other banker-defined financial “products”) have published market values. There would be no distinction between domestic and foreign assets. Other valuable items (houses, cars, artwork, jewelry collections, and the like) also have rather easily established prices (look them up on E-bay and see what’s being asked and offered). Deferred values, such as stakes in annuities or pension plans, or potential Social Security benefits, would have to be figured out by experts, but the answers have already been determined by the actuaries who designed the original plans. Their calculations need only to be made public.

The new 1040 would still be on the honor system, just as it is now, with a simple penalty for “forgetting” an item. Forgetting it would be denying ownership. The IRS would then simply take the taxpayer’s word and consider it abandoned and transfer title to the Treasury. The absent-minded taxpayer would then have the option of buying it back at market value before it was put up for public auction. (As an additional deterrent he might only be given the right to match the winning bid.)

We would each submit our lists to the IRS, and the grand total of them all would constitute that year’s national tax base.

Congress, meanwhile, as usual, would independently determine the total number of dollars required to run the country for the coming year. This is the hard part, but what did we hire these guys for? Do the schools get that billion-dollar increase, or the Pentagon? How many miles of new highway? Do we define those needs in dollars (meaning annual fights over adjustments) or in percentages based on percentiles? Their job would be to figure that out.

But after a total is agreed on, each of us would then be liable for our personal share, proportional to our stake.

For example: if the budget is 2.4 trillion dollars and our total privately-held wealth is 115 trillion (a not unreasonable guess, allowing each of our 115 million households an average net worth of a hundred thousand dollars) each of us would owe a 2¢ tax on each dollar of our wealth. In Bill Gates’s case this would surely amount to a very helpful sum, but nothing he couldn’t easily cover with a few shrewd investments. For me, with my lottery winnings, I could choose : either I could keep my job to cover my living expenses and invest my nest egg in CDs to cover my tax, or I could use part of my windfall to improve my lifestyle and see my nest egg slowly diminish. It would be up to me to estimate my life span and my future needs.

For someone making $50,000 a year, spending it all, and living in a $200,000 house partly paid for, with a car also partly paid for, the tax might be as little as $2,000, even counting his vested interest in his pension and his eventual Social Security. Allowing for complete forgiveness for those at the bottom of the wealth scale (and even a so-called “negative” tax — an outright subsidy for people whose wealth is below the poverty level), we are still talking a very modest bill. The elimination of all other forms of tax — sales taxes, “sin” taxes such as those on cigarettes or sugar-laden sodas, those niggling items carefully listed on your phone or cable bill, import and export taxes — would quite possibly leave you roughly where you were if you had been being honest on your present 1040.

The actual numbers are of course impossible to calculate before we see the first national wealth list, but if we really believe in fairness, no matter what they actually turn out to be we should not complain about meeting our share of the obligation to the government that we expect to support us when we need to go to court or appeal FEMA’s downgrade of our hurricane damage.

My own suspicion, is that there might also well be a substantial number of hitherto hidden dollars that will surface when the income test is dropped and corporate exceptions and “charitable” deductions are eliminated, especially if the price of “forgetting” is severe. This is a backhanded tribute to the brilliance of today’s crop of tax lawyers and Certified Public Accountants. (Just as a matter of curiosity, it would be fascinating to see how many original art works would suddenly be reclassified as cheap forgeries, and how many diamond tiaras would turn out to be paste copies.)

*

So what are the chances that anything as radical as a wealth tax could actually make its way through Congress? Not very good, I agree, but stranger things have happened. What odds would you have given just a couple of years ago that an orange-haired snake-oil salesman would become president of the United States? The mass conversion of 635 American legislators to a system that would relieve them of having to spend half their time listening to lobbyists and the other half raising campaign funds must have some allure for our beleaguered representatives. A revision of the income tax is in the works. Adoption of a wealth tax — if anyone had the nerve to propose it — is hardly more unlikely than our embrace of the Pussy-Snatcher in Chief now actually sitting in the Oval Office.

How, in practical terms, would we get there? Not by throwing up our hands in a horrified Stop Trump movement. “Stop Trump” is not a viable political rallying point. Even his devoted followers know he is not anybody they would want their daughters to marry. But too many angry uneducated people have been willing to let their frustrations overcome their common sense. We saw that in Hillary’s debacle. We would need a crusade, like the New Deal, led by a credible leader who would have to be so admired that he could actually publicly take the risk of talking common sense. A hero, comparable in stature and star power to a game-show-host-and-race-to-the-bottom leader like the Donald, but with a social conscience and a taste for books instead of the crotches of Miss America contestants. He, or she, would also have to understand the basic fairness of the Wealth Tax, meaning he or she would probably not come from either the strivers of Wall Street or Silicon Valley. My choice would be a PhD farmer (yes, Virginia, such people do exist) with dirty fingernails and a drawl. It might also help if he or she had un-dyed hair.

Any volunteers?

Having lost, at least temporarily, their battle to kick 20 million Americans off their health care plans, send 20 million people back to Mexico, and close the door on future Muslim immigrants, the Republicans are now turning to their next project — reducing the taxes on well-off top money-earners and making up the deficit with a combination of higher taxes on the poor and less spending on entitlement programs. This was always at the top of their agenda, they just needed to get some momentum first. We can now look forward to a stretch of mind-numbing, demonstrably false pseudo statistics proving that Ronald Reagan’s trickle down economics was 100% correct but was sabotaged by succeeding Democratic administrations.

If that choice of topic leaves you less than enthusiastic, I advise you to just click and move on. But if you are so bored that you will read anything rather than just stare at the wall (or cut the grass or do the dishes) I am about to tackle the subject.

*

What is the fairest way for our federal government to raise the money it needs to finance its operations?

Historically we settled that question a hundred and fifty years ago. First in 1861, to be precise, when we decided on an income tax to help pay for the rising costs of the Civil War. We rescinded t briefly in 1872, but reinstated it with the Sixteenth Amendment in 1913. We decided on an income tax because income was assumed to be the best indicator of wealth and we all agreed that the wealthy should shoulder more of the burden of financing government, since they stood to benefit the most from its stability. Since then we have raised about 85% of our federal revenue that way. The more money you made, the higher your tax rate. Despite the fact that this principle comes unnervingly close to being Marxian (“From each according to his abilities; to each according to his need”), it is nevertheless now pretty much accepted across the political board. I make exception for Grover Norquist, a blinkered fanatic who is against all taxes, and for a few extreme Tea Party disciples of Ayn Rand, whose response to a cry for help from the poor is “Go get a job!”

I say we seem to have accepted the idea of a progressive income tax, but there has been at least one serious earlier effort to establish a different approach. That effort was by Henry George, an economist who advocated in 1871 a “single tax,” based solely on land ownership. Mr. George’s theory was that all land properly belonged to God and that communities and that individuals should be granted only limited use of it according to the degree that the community would benefit. People should not be allowed to just sit on their acreage waiting for it to become more valuable as the population increased. Accordingly, he said, taxes should be levied based on the amount of land each taxpayer temporarily controlled. This was a reasonably solid theory in a time when America’s economy was still largely agrarian, and the accumulation of wealth through production of tangible things—railroads, ships, buggy whips—all required actual property on which to situate one’s factories or roadbeds, rather than on the rather mysterious assets more popular today (“in the cloud”, “market share”), which require only faith. (Google’s astronomic share price rests essentially on nothing more than the computer code for its search algorithm. Microsoft’s silicon valley “campus,” luxurious though it is, represents but a tiny fraction of the company’s book value.) The amount of land one owned would today be an exceedingly inaccurate base for taxation.

(As an ironic footnote to the story of Henry George and his theory it can observed that in his later years, after his books had become famous, he supported himself — quite handsomely — by lecturing and writing, occupations that required no more land than enough floor space to accommodate a desk. He would have paid a negligible tax under his own proposal. But that’s a digression.)

I think we do all still share the belief that the wealthy should bear a bigger tax burden than the poor. I will argue here only that we are not calculating it right. Specifically, by using income as an indicator of wealth, we are short-sheeting ourselves.

The first problem is that you can be exceedingly wealthy and have no income at all. For example: let’s say I hit the lottery. I pay my one-time tax on my winnings, and I decide to stick the rest of my millions under my mattress, withdrawing only what I need to live on year by year. Thus I have no income to declare. I am wealthy by any common-sense measure, but I have “broken my arm,” as the priests used to say — I can no longer reach as far as the collection plate.

The second problem comes because of the ease with which income can be hidden. Details about shell companies, subsidies, exemptions, depletion allowances, deductions, abatements, and the like dot our tax laws like cotton bolls in an east Texas field — all conceived by legislators doing favors for wealthy campaign contributors. These loopholes are tucked into otherwise non-controversial “funding” bills passed at midnight on Fridays after the reporters have either gone home or to their favorite watering holes. They are very effective at shrinking the government’s revenue, and invariably benefit those who already enjoy the greatest wealth. This shifts the burden of cutting “discretionary” spending to those who are less rich — and do not have ready access to lawyers accountants and venal legislators — and it contradicts the avowed purpose of the graduated tax.

I share Mr. George’s objections to income as a measure of wealth, but I think that land ownership is no longer a good measure either in a non-agricultural society. I propose here that individual wealth can best be measured by simple ownership. Ownership of anything. Income can be too easily concealed by a leaseback deal with a shell company owned by your father-in-law, whose legal residence is in the Cayman Islands, and whose officers are your brother-in-law’s wife and kids. That will get you past the IRS’s computer check of your paperwork, but it won’t hide a privately outfitted Boeing 754 or a 55-million-dollar mansion or a 200-foot yacht. They will be visible not only to prowling IRS agents but also to whistle-blowers eager to benefit from their 15% bonuses..

Sounds easy? Fair? So what would be the problems?

All private wealth is really personal. (Each of us has some communal wealth as well — in the form of highways, the postal service, an army — but it would be hard to specify its varying value to each of us as citizens — roads to our favorite vacation spots, shipping lanes for the goods our factories produce, help for hurricane destroyed homes, means of transportation to and from our jobs. Pretty much beyond any reasonable hope of calculability.) But everything else is personal.

“Personal” would exclude taxes on companies or organizations taxes or any kind of general taxes (on cigarettes or cancer drugs, for example). The Roberts Court says that corporations are people, but that doesn’t make it so. Companies in truth “own” nothing; they are artificial entities owned by their owners or their shareholders even if their identities are sometimes concealed under layers of semantic fiscal creations like pension funds or golf clubs or “non-profits.” Such entities therefore would owe no taxes, since they don’t represent personal wealth, but their individual owners would have to own up to their individual stakes. The same logic would apply to all of Mr. Roberts’s artificial people — political parties, philanthropic foundations, churches, educational institutions, museums —they are all owned in the last analysis by individual living breathing identifiable and taxable people, some of whom are wealthier than others.

So a new-style Wealth Tax Form 1040 (as advocated by Senator Ted Cruz and several allies) would simply ask for a list of your personal assets and their value.

How to arrive at their value? Not really difficult. The prices of the most common of the items on your list (stocks, bonds, warrants, deferred bonuses, and all the other banker-defined financial “products”) have published market values. There would be no distinction between domestic and foreign assets. Other valuable items (houses, cars, artwork, jewelry collections, and the like) also have rather easily established prices (look them up on E-bay and see what’s being asked and offered). Deferred values, such as stakes in annuities or pension plans, or potential Social Security benefits, would have to be figured out by experts, but the answers have already been determined by the actuaries who designed the original plans. Their calculations need only to be made public.

The new 1040 would still be on the honor system, just as it is now, with a simple penalty for “forgetting” an item. Forgetting it would be denying ownership. The IRS would then simply take the taxpayer’s word and consider it abandoned and transfer title to the Treasury. The absent-minded taxpayer would then have the option of buying it back at market value before it was put up for public auction. (As an additional deterrent he might only be given the right to match the winning bid.)

We would each submit our lists to the IRS, and the grand total of them all would constitute that year’s national tax base.

Congress, meanwhile, as usual, would independently determine the total number of dollars required to run the country for the coming year. This is the hard part, but what did we hire these guys for? Do the schools get that billion-dollar increase, or the Pentagon? How many miles of new highway? Do we define those needs in dollars (meaning annual fights over adjustments) or in percentages based on percentiles? Their job would be to figure that out.

But after a total is agreed on, each of us would then be liable for our personal share, proportional to our stake.

For example: if the budget is 2.4 trillion dollars and our total privately-held wealth is 115 trillion (a not unreasonable guess, allowing each of our 115 million households an average net worth of a hundred thousand dollars) each of us would owe a 2¢ tax on each dollar of our wealth. In Bill Gates’s case this would surely amount to a very helpful sum, but nothing he couldn’t easily cover with a few shrewd investments. For me, with my lottery winnings, I could choose : either I could keep my job to cover my living expenses and invest my nest egg in CDs to cover my tax, or I could use part of my windfall to improve my lifestyle and see my nest egg slowly diminish. It would be up to me to estimate my life span and my future needs.

For someone making $50,000 a year, spending it all, and living in a $200,000 house partly paid for, with a car also partly paid for, the tax might be as little as $2,000, even counting his vested interest in his pension and his eventual Social Security. Allowing for complete forgiveness for those at the bottom of the wealth scale (and even a so-called “negative” tax — an outright subsidy for people whose wealth is below the poverty level), we are still talking a very modest bill. The elimination of all other forms of tax — sales taxes, “sin” taxes such as those on cigarettes or sugar-laden sodas, those niggling items carefully listed on your phone or cable bill, import and export taxes — would quite possibly leave you roughly where you were if you had been being honest on your present 1040.

The actual numbers are of course impossible to calculate before we see the first national wealth list, but if we really believe in fairness, no matter what they actually turn out to be we should not complain about meeting our share of the obligation to the government that we expect to support us when we need to go to court or appeal FEMA’s downgrade of our hurricane damage.

My own suspicion, is that there might also well be a substantial number of hitherto hidden dollars that will surface when the income test is dropped and corporate exceptions and “charitable” deductions are eliminated, especially if the price of “forgetting” is severe. This is a backhanded tribute to the brilliance of today’s crop of tax lawyers and Certified Public Accountants. (Just as a matter of curiosity, it would be fascinating to see how many original art works would suddenly be reclassified as cheap forgeries, and how many diamond tiaras would turn out to be paste copies.)

*

So what are the chances that anything as radical as a wealth tax could actually make its way through Congress? Not very good, I agree, but stranger things have happened. What odds would you have given just a couple of years ago that an orange-haired snake-oil salesman would become president of the United States? The mass conversion of 635 American legislators to a system that would relieve them of having to spend half their time listening to lobbyists and the other half raising campaign funds must have some allure for our beleaguered representatives. A revision of the income tax is in the works. Adoption of a wealth tax — if anyone had the nerve to propose it — is hardly more unlikely than our embrace of the Pussy-Snatcher in Chief now actually sitting in the Oval Office.

How, in practical terms, would we get there? Not by throwing up our hands in a horrified Stop Trump movement. “Stop Trump” is not a viable political rallying point. Even his devoted followers know he is not anybody they would want their daughters to marry. But too many angry uneducated people have been willing to let their frustrations overcome their common sense. We saw that in Hillary’s debacle. We would need a crusade, like the New Deal, led by a credible leader who would have to be so admired that he could actually publicly take the risk of talking common sense. A hero, comparable in stature and star power to a game-show-host-and-race-to-the-bottom leader like the Donald, but with a social conscience and a taste for books instead of the crotches of Miss America contestants. He, or she, would also have to understand the basic fairness of the Wealth Tax, meaning he or she would probably not come from either the strivers of Wall Street or Silicon Valley. My choice would be a PhD farmer (yes, Virginia, such people do exist) with dirty fingernails and a drawl. It might also help if he or she had un-dyed hair.

Any volunteers?

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

Closing the Income Gap

Bill Gates’s annual salary in 2015, according to the Internet, was three billion, seven hundred and ten million dollars. In numerical notation that’s $3,710 plus six more zeros. I like the purely verbal form. The words roll impressively, in Hamlet’s phrase, “Trippingly off the tongue.” In fact they roll so trippingly that I find them addictive. I am going to use them in this essay.

That salary is seventy-one million, three hundred forty-six thousand, one hundred fifty-three dollars and eighty cents ($71,346,153.80 for you bean counters) per week. Every week. Fifty-two weeks a year. I am impressed, not to speak of bowled over, by a number so large.

It can also be expressed (assuming a 5-day week) as fourteen million, two hundred sixty-nine thousand, two hundred and thirty dollars and eighty cents ($14,269,230.80) per day. I’ll give Bill Saturdays and Sundays off, since he presumably does his employees. Everyone needs a respite from “All work and no play …”, even if it’s only counting dividends and interest.

It is also one million, seven hundred eighty-three thousand, six hundred and fifty-three dollars and eighty-five cents ($1,783,653.85) an hour. That’s assuming a normal blue-collar eight-hour day; not bankers’ hours, which would inflate the result in the same way our economists inflate industrial productivity figures by using a reduction in the number of workers (layoffs, in everyday language) rather than an actual increase in the output of goods. Either way it’s enough to overflow the screen of your adding machine.

You have to sympathize. Think of being asked to calculate Bill’s taxes. All those investments, all those foundations, all those charitable contributions, all those complicated loophole-oriented tax deductions, all those lawyer fees. Unbelievable.

*

By contrast the doorman at my New York City apartment building, a nice gentleman named Michael Kearney, who regards it as dereliction of duty to sit down during working hours (he terms as “slackers” the younger and more fit doormen who sit lazily on stools during working hours), has no problem at all with his taxes. Every penny he makes in salary is reported directly on his W-2 by his boss, who has been instructed by (but not paid by) the government to do the bookkeeping. Thanks to his union, he makes a bit over fifty thousand dollars ($50,000) a year — right around the New York City median wage. And he gets unofficial “wink-wink” indulgence from the IRS to “overlook” some of his tips that might exceed the “reasonable” allowance established by the government’s standard deduction. In due time, when he retires, he will get a pension in addition to Social Security benefits, and his health and his arches permitting, he will finally be able to sit down and relax.

Mike’s salary is nine hundred sixty-one dollars and fifty-four cents ($961.54) per working week.

Which is one hundred ninety-two dollars and thirty-one cents ($192.31 per working day..

Or twenty-four dollars and forty cents ($24.40) an hour.

As a consequence, every hour of every working day of every week of the year,

measured just between Bill Gates and Michael Kearney alone, the gap between the wealth of our top earners and our normal middle-class breadwinners is increased by one million, seven hundred thirty-three thousand, six hundred twenty-nine dollars and forty-five cents ($1,783,653.45), the difference between Bill’s and Mike’s hourly wages. Every hour of every day of every week, all year long! That can add up.

There were two thousand and eighty (2,080) such normal working hours last year. That works out to three billion, seven hundred and nine million, nine hundred and fifty-nine thousand, six hundred and sixty dollars ($3,709,959,660). (I am rounding off the cents — my enthusiasm for nitpicking is not infinite.)

Using these figures as a basis, would someone out there like to try to calculate for me how many years it will take for Bill Gates’s bank account to outstrip Michael Kearney’s by more dollars than there are miles between Mission Control and the Mars Rover?

(And while we are working on that calculation could we perhaps find a way to shorten up Mike’s day by a couple of hours so he can go and sit down and rest once in a while. Despite two heart attacks he’s been on the job for forty years now.)

*

It must be acknowledged that our elected representatives in Congress, reluctantly made aware of this problem by protest groups like the ‘Occupy’ movements, have proposed several suggestions for rectifying the imbalance. One that is popular because it costs nothing is just to remind us in Op-Ed pieces that a rising tide raises all boats. A one percent (1%) rise in both Bill’s and Michael’s salary boats would provide Mr. Gates with an extra thirty-seven millions ($37,000,000) a year. Mr. Kearney, as his share, would receive the magnificent additional sum of $500 (less taxes) to spend in any irresponsible way he might choose. I’m sure he and his family would be pleased but I can’t think there would be any meaningful change in their lifestyle or in the rate of increase of our national inequality gap.

Another suggestion I have heard is for an across-the-board tax cut, which could provide Mr.Gates and his friends with extra funds with which to bankroll new job-creating ventures. This is the approach currently being pitched by President Trump, who says massive tax cuts are the best way to create more jobs. These jobs would of course include those producing fat fees for the brokers and lawyers in charge of preparing the legal paperwork to set up and later sell those ventures to the public, and thus contribute to the growth of our national GDP. (One or more of those brokers or lawyers might even by chance, according to the laws of literary irony, be living in an apartment in my very building and she might be motivated by this added income to increase Mike’s Christmas tip by as much as ten dollars, thus providing the first ever verified evidence of Ronald Raegan’s trickle-down theory.) Whether lowered taxes would in fact encourage the superrich to invest their money in start-ups that would actually provide new jobs, or whether they would just order larger yachts and more expensive penthouse apartments is a question to which we cannot get an answer without an actual experiment, so we are likely to get the answer too late if the idea proves faulty.

Lawmakers have also pointed out that by working on the disparity from the government spending side (reducing the amount of Michael’s pending Social Security benefits) the government would be able to save several billions more, especially down the road when our as yet unborn but relentlessly aging and greedy AARP’d grandchildren will otherwise be driving the budget into the red. It might not be immediately obvious how much this would narrow today’s wealth inequality gap, but possibly it would abate the terror that afflicts the wealthy today when they contemplate any change in their elevated status with regard to the lower 99.9%. There is also the (remote) possibility that legislation might have some effect if Washington were to transfer some budget lines from underwriting the Pentagon’s toys to a few things of value to the rest of us, like some roads with fewer potholes or maybe cheaper train travel or better care for veterans, instead of sinking all our money into more nuclear weapons whose only usefulness is that they remain unused.

None of these seem to me to be currently attainable, given our present political situation. Can anyone out there suggest something more promising? Mr. Trump? Mrs. Clinton? Bernie? Ms. Warren? Mr. O’Connell? Mr. Paul? Mr. Cruz? Mr. Bannon? Ivanka?

 

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

How to Square Columbus Circle

Is this business of trying to revise history by pulling down statues of people who wound up on the wrong side of it as confusing to you as it is to me? I don’t understand why we are so worked up about it. Our cities are littered with statues of former big shots, honored or dishonored by occasional demonstrations of fealty or scorn, but generally accepted as just a relatively harmless part of the civic scenery. We have been able to get along peacefully with them, only occasionally smearing one with paint or knocking another one off its pedestal. Nothing new about any of this. One day George III is proud on his plinth; the next day he is flat on his face (his poor horse, too). History doesn’t pay much attention unless we go overboard. Cheops’s pyramid. Constantine’s arch. Napoleon’s Arc de Triomphe. We just take a selfie, reroute the traffic and life goes on.

Celebratory statuary goes back at least as far as ancient Egypt. Narcissism predates both the Greek myths and The Donald’s troubled psyche. Pharaohs erected monuments to themselves for as long as there were pharaohs. The newly crowned (asped?) were usually as determined as the Donald to eliminate traces of their predecessors. Breaking up or tearing down one’s predecessor’s effigies was a popular sport.

Ancient Egypt’s monuments and statues were commonly identified by the ruler’s name in a cartouche — a few hieroglyphs enclosed in an oval frame. Ramses II, who reigned for almost all of the 13th century BC, had a less impressive signature than Trump (who must have a monetary interest in a broad-nibbed pen factory) but he was a master when it came to cartouches. He just erased the original names and substituted his own. This made it unnecessary to tear down the original artworks, thus presumably sparing the royal treasury substantial outlays for demolition and replacements. It also gave him access to a variety of “off the shelf”items. (It also left a nasty problem of matching dates and names and likenesses for future archeologists.)

A further word about temples. Egyptian temples, like the later Greek and Roman ones, were originally built not as royal tombs but as places for people to congregate to worship the gods. With the passage of time some gods tended to lose their luster. It didn’t rain after all. The grasshoppers showed up in even greater numbers. We lost the war. What to do about it? Tear down their temples and build new ones? If they later regained their powers and their popularity they might well have been vengeful. Let them co-exist, then?

There is evidence both ways, but the arrival of the monotheistic religions raised the problem in more acute form. If there was truly only one god, and if you insulted him the consequences could be uncorrectable. The problem may or may not have been exacerbated by the fact that some of the early temples were also used as secular as well as holy meeting places. Muhammad’s followers had the good sense, for example, to simply rededicate the Roman-built Hagia Sophia basilica in Constantinople. The church became a mosque and its valuable enclosed space continued to accommodate large crowds of worshippers. This favor was returned later when the mosque was rededicated as a church by the re-conquering Crusaders. Still later Kemal Atatürk converted it to a museum. Its history of conversions may in fact not yet be over. Mr. Erdoğan’s current reform efforts may see the building returned to Islam.

In all this there is a lesson that Mayor Di Blasio might well heed as he considers what to do about our Cristoforo on his 59th Street pedestal. Monuments and statues are fine civic decorations to be sure, but they expensive, and when the political power is splintered they can be divisive. They are for that reason difficult to “disappear”, even aside from the expense.

What do you do with heroes who turn out on second thought out to be not so heroic? The Russians are said to have established a graveyard for Stalin statues. It is today pretty full, and weedy, and not often visited except by the occasional nonagenarian hard-liner. Saddam’s images and palaces have mostly been broken up or taken over by the space-hungry U.S. occupying bureaucracy. Hitler’s images are legally verboten. The poor Confederate GI made of soft lead who was dragged off his pedestal in Durham recently crumpled when he hit the ground, and is probably good for nothing now but repairing the cracks in stained glass windows.

What about selling them? A competent merchandising effort could undoubtedly create a collectors’ market, like the one that converts old junker cars into antiques with multi-million dollar price tags. This could also bring in some modest municipal revenue. But disposing of a statue on a 70-foot pedestal or auctioning off an extravagant display involving gilt horses or a chariot and winged angels of victory, is undeniably more difficult than changing a cartouche.

Statues are specific to individuals. Not only are they possibly passable likenesses, they are often, like the statues of Catholic saints, further equipped with identifying attributes. For example, the Santa Maria’s tiller in Cristoforo’s right hand. Hard to re-label that as a tribute to a rebellious Taino slave. Size also makes private use awkward, as anyone can attest who visited the lofty living room temporarily enclosing Chris five years ago. Who has enough space for a mounted General Sherman in the den (even if it would undeniably be a hard-to-beat thumb in the eye of the neighbor who has only a Kossuth)?

So what to do about all this? I propose a simple solution — a local ordinance outlawing anything beyond simple life-sized figures. No more horses or chariots or angels. Existing violations would be auctioned to raise money for relief of the next hurricane disaster. This could be called “privatization”, which should get it a lot of support in the Age of Trump, where the government itself is being remodeled as a business franchise. In future all celebratory statuary would be in the form of life-sized sized figures equipped with interchangeable heads, like screw-on salt cellar tops. The bodies could remain in place from one political era to the next, with the heads changed according to prevalent priorities. Headless figures in various poses would be stockpiled in a national warehouse as a WPA-like make-work project; identifiable heads to be created later as needed. (This would resemble the strategy supposedly followed by early American itinerant portrait painters who were said to devote the winter months of impassable roads to staying snug at home and preparing canvases with generic bodies and backgrounds, leaving the faces for actual sittings in spring and summer.)

What would be the objections?

Probably no large-scale commotion would be aroused if the head changes were effected at midnight (like the insertion of loopholes in congressional bills) when normal citizens are either asleep or watching football. The KKKers would simply wake up in the morning to discover that Jefferson Davis had magically become Rosa Parks while they were busy stitching the eyeholes in their sheets. There would be some disappointment, for sure, at the lost opportunity for a torch-lit celebratory swastika-flagged picnic with truncheons and sidearms, but there would always be a hope for next time, especially now that unpredictability has been revived as the new law of the land.

No-longer-relevant commemorative plaques, like cartouches, would be a minor problem. They are as easily interchangeable as street signs when a politician needs one more constituent’s vote. Ninety-nine percent collectors would find them more affordable than gilt horses. A Wikipedia URL for the bio of the original dedicatee could be tacked on each statue’s vacated base for those truly interested.

Displaced heads would be stored, like singers’ wigs in the Metropolitan Opera’s basement, against the day when a former hero might need to be resurrected.

I would not expect this change to be adopted quickly — there is no such word as “quickly” in the Washington lexicon — but it could be added to the platforms of one or both parties before the upcoming mid-term elections.

Voilà! Problem solved. Next case…

 

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

Rocket Man Speaks

Dear Donald,

I trust you will not mind my addressing you as “Donald”. In return I will let you address me as Rocket Man if that will be of any help to you.

I send this handwritten letter on a piece of paper in the pocket of one of my most trusted friends (Mr. Dennis Rodman) in whose integrity I have complete confidence. There is no other record of these words. If they ever reach the public I will of course deny them and ascribe them to your well-known paranoia. I will also, of course, know who leaked them.

I write because you have cultivated a reputation as a deal-maker. Let’s see if you are smart enough to accept one proposed by someone else when you are offered a good one.

The first requirement for success will be that we define in precise terms what we each expect togain. For my part I need a face-saver after some of my overboard threats to A-bomb Los Angeles. I made those threats from a need to show muscle to my people who are who are beginning to chafe at their starvation rations while they watch the galling economic successes of their South Korean compatriots. I needed to show them my world A-list qualifications. Whether we actually have the capacity to A-bomb Los Angeles I am not going to tell you. What I need is to get invited to pull up a chair at the international table as an equal player with the Big Five. This will insure me of a firm place in world history and at the same time safeguard my investments (and those of my family members and close friends) in your admirably solid dollars.

From where I sit I think that what you need is a win. You have been so busy accomplishing nothing of any political substance during your first nine months that your approval ratings are below fifty percent. This is so out of line with your pre-election promises and so damaging to your own image of yourself that it must be what keeps you up till all hours dreaming up those stupid tweets. You are on your way to becoming the most ridiculed president ever, and to someone who seems to have no sense of humor or humility to fall back on, this must be especially galling. (I see no need to mince words, Donald. We are beyond diplomacy, I think.) A win — getting me to mothball my nuclear weapons — would reverse all this for you at one stroke.

So here’s the deal : you greet me in the Oval Office for the photographers, shake my hand, promise me enough food to keep my people alive for the next five years, and arrange for my country to be seated at the United Nations. In return I open my nuclear facilities to UN inspection (for real; I will hold nothing back) and promise to scale down and eventually eliminate entirely the program according to a fixed, verifiable schedule.

That’s it. You win and I win. The only losers will be those people (I presume there are some) who would like to see us commit mutual planetary suicide in the name of some cause about which they have become delusional — presumably a pseudo-religious cause, since they have to believe in some other venue where their beliefs will be able to flourish after the Big Bang. You don’t appear to have any more sympathy for such people than I do. Actually, it seems to me that there is a possibility that both of us might benefit from the elimination of a number of screwballs in each of our retinues who persist in putting hopes of short-term advantage ahead of survival.

Assuming you agree to the deal, how do we then proceed?

  • First, you do a ‘Nixon-to-China’.

  • You turn up in Pyongyang without your full state-visit $300,000-an-hour entourage (just Air Force One if you insist on having your personal chef fry your hamburgers).

  • I greet you at the airport. The cameramen record everything. We announce our agreement.

  • Mr. Rodman retires in silence, financially taken care of for life, along with anyone he desires to have with him, to the private estate I have granted him. He is forbidden all future contact with the outside world except for an occasional game of HORSE with me (he has agreed to this).

  • You take me back to Washington as a guest on your plane, where we request a special session of the Security Council to approve the details of the multi-nation supervision program.

  • I return to Pyongyang as a conquering hero, having established North Korea as a World Player.

  • I stage the largest parade ever seen. (I will help you arrange an even larger one for Pennsylvania Avenue on the Fourth of July.)

  • You announce the end of the nuclear standoff from the steps of the Capitol in front of the absolutely guaranteed largest crowd of people ever assembled on the planet. (I can help you with that too.)

Do we have a deal? RSVP.

With all good wishes to your wife and those of your family who are currently in your good graces,

Rocket Man

Pyonyang, September 2017.

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

 

Emotion and Reason

If we needed any more reminders, Donald Trump’s election has reinforced the lesson :

 Reason, the characteristic that supposedly distinguishes Man from the rest of God’s creatures, doesn’t stand a chance when opposed by emotion.

You may consider that this is because of genetic instinct or conditioned reaction; the explanation hardly matters. It’s the effects that count. In the face of consensus that the world has slowly been making some progress toward a greater degree of cooperation since 1945, a couple of stupid slogans have easily upset the applecart. The chants of “Build that wall!”, “Assassinate the bitch!”, and “Put her in jail!” that distinguished Trump’s rallies were demonstrations of unbridled resentment and anger, without the slightest nod to logic. And they won easily.

So we have now, at least in America, embarked on a “yuge” retrograde epicycle. We are going to try to renege on hundreds or maybe even thousands of years of painstaking progress in order to stoke the ego of a buffoon who believes that civilization is merely a matter of crowning winners and sneering at losers. Outright KKK epithets are going to replace dog-whistle whispers in refutation of pointy-headed academic consideration of facts. Vote-getting lies are going to be acceptable as legitimate political currency, so long as they work. Nielsen ratings are going to replace the numbers formerly supplied to legislators by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. Threats of “fire and fury” are going to replace thousands of State Department employees so that Mr. Tillerson will be able to point to “significant” payroll savings and provide a protected route through the minefield of career diplomats currently undermining the Twitter decision-making of his humorless and constantly furious boss.

Will this prove fatal to our 230-year-old experiment with democracy? Or will sanity reassert itself as the shouters and haters start to see the results of their victory? Will they come to understand the connection between their vanishing health insurance, their diminished social security, their doubled Walmart prices, and their loss of power in the gig economy as the Donald continues to focus on his ever-thinning comb-over and his ever-waxing belly? Or will they just conjure up new scapegoats — Chinese or North Koreans or Muslims (or black or brown or LGBT people) — and chant all the louder?

Only time will tell. But short of prayer and fist clenching what should the rest of us be doing? Can we, each one of us, swallow his or her anger and make it a personal point to reach out to one of the shouters and try to start a conversation? Is it possible to reach the part of their cortexes where thoughtfulness is located and attempt to explain that shouting not only relieves personal stress, but that it has community consequences, some of them decidedly unpleasant? (Yes, I have tried. I have only one Trump supporting friend. I asked her about it. What reaction did I get?)

 “I still think we needed shaking up. Trump shakes the tree. He may not drain the swamp, but it’s a start. Let’s see where we go from here.

 OK, let’s see. But in the meantime we have to resist the Tillersons and the Bannons and the Kushners over every bit of the ground they covet. Open our doors to refugees and immigrants. Refuse tax relief to the one percent without meaningful concessions on steps to mitigate planet warming. Rescue our conned students from deadening debt. Retain every last provision of Dodd-Frank and deny every request from the Pentagon for more preparations for war. The threat is not from “out there”; it is from “in here”. Morality counts. The Bible counts. Charity counts. If American is to be Great again, it must lead by example. Trying to lead by muscle only gives the Kim Jong Uns the advantage. We are weak when it comes to weighing the future of the planet against temporary attempts at coercion. We will give in when the red lines are crossed. That’s our humanity talking; not our bluster. We may not be able to influence Trump by our example, but we can still reach his supporters. Fortunately there is a time limit to his reign. We need to hold the fort until the cavalry comes in sight.

Who do you know who voted for him? Reach out. There is power in one-on-one that goes beyond chanting and cursing. The message is that we are all in this together. That’s the key word : together. Even Kim Jong Un.

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.

 

To My Chinese Reader

This blogging shtick continues to bring surprises. WordPress.com, which hosts my blog, gives me all sorts of feedback numbers about “visits” and “views” and other descriptors I don’t fully understand. This is welcome, if confusing. Since I retired some years ago after fulfilling my capitalist duty to put enough money in the bank to get my kids through college and provide for the probability that at some point my wife and I will need long-term health care I have had the leisure to indulge my high-school ambition of becoming a writer. I started by launching my brilliant thoughts in letters to our local newspaper, hoping they would be noticed by influential big city people summering in our little Connecticut town. I envisioned being invited to join literary discussion circles. I would engage in correspondence with the leading intellectual lights of the age. Now, 30 years later, I have written over 500 essays for two local newspapers without getting more than a couple of dozen responses. I console myself that my opinions have been at odds with the political beliefs of most of my readers. My little town voted two to one Republican, and I identify with the one, not the two. I think the editors of those papers originally accepted my political OpEds more as evidence of their open-mindedness than of their convictions, but I considered this a fair exchange. I got space to air my views and they got credit for being non-partisan. I sometimes tried to spice things up by being deliberately provoking, but instead of the discussion I sought I tended to get either a frustrating silence or angry dismissals (“Why should we pay for a town beach if ‘those people’ are going to be allowed to use it for nothing?”). But I found no specific points that I could use to gin up a conversation. Eventually I gave up — using my columns more as an opportunity to try to clarify my own thinking than to make any attempt at either conversion or conversation.

So when one of the papers changed owners, and the new editor found some of my vocabulary choices objectionable (Specifically, I used the word “nigger” in a piece about euphemisms which she felt might somehow come to the attention of an under-aged and impressionable child reader, scarring him or her for life.) There were in addition other sins involving what the Times sometimes refers to as “a reinforcing expletive” (This was before the Mooch made the word itself the object of the news), and she fired me, I found that I was not happy with enforced silence and I turned to blogging as a solution.

Being of the generation that predated the IT gene, I had the good sense to ask for help from younger friends who were experts. They were kind and patient and set me up with what I needed to get started. I owe them thanks.

I was dubious at first about what the loss of editorial constraint might bring. I could use the words nigger or fuck any time I liked, without fear. But I soon discovered that since they were now easily available they had lost a lot of their power. In fact I haven’t found occasion to actually use either of them so far. I also worried that without having to search for subjects that would interest both me and potentially convertible readers I would end up just ranting. This hasn’t happened either. I find that without deadlines I can spend more time than before on my chosen subjects (and be more careful about researching them), to the benefit, at least in my opinion, of the logic of my arguments. Plus, I no longer felt obliged to comment on every controversial event that popped up in the daily papers, or to post an essay before I was really ready to let go of it. (In this new world, my expert friends explained to me, one doesn’t publish; one “posts”.) My current SOGOTP list (Shit or Get Off the Pot) is currently 31 items long. Blogging has been therefore a blessing on several counts.

OK. A modest audience of no more than a couple of dozen was a major comedown from the combined 9,000 print-run of my two former papers, but I never believed that any large fraction of that supposed readership was mine anyway. WordPress records the number of visitors to my blog every day and reports back. I assume the tallying algorithm is aware of the identity of these visitors, but it doesn’t give me that information. I invite comments at the end of each post, and anyone who wants to can send me a message at the price of disclosing his or her email address. WordPress also gives me a report by geography. It does this by means of a little world map where the country I have reached lights up in highly ego-satisfying color. To see the little map light up in such widely separated spots as South Africa and Sweden and Morocco is a thrill. (All right; I know who it is in Morocco, and the Swedish hits are family members, but South Africa? I have no connection with South Africa.

How do people find my blog and light up my map? My words are of course accessible from the standard web search engines, but I find it more flattering to assume that it is through that “sharing” icon, which is a painless way of passing along to an acquaintance with a simple keystroke something you enjoyed. This surely accounts for a recent unexpected burst of interest from Canada that gave me over 20 hits the other day. I don’t know anyone in Canada who would be reading my blog, but someone apparently just happened in and enjoyed some of my lambasting of the Donald and passed it along to friends.)

But I have one regular visitor who turns up three or four times a month who intrigues me. He or she is in China, which lights up a really gratifyingly huge swath of Asia. I can speculate all I want, but I will probably never find out who that person is. Is he or she some clever dissident who has found a way to bypass the government filters and explore ideas unacceptable to the current rulers of the Kingdom of Heaven, sneaking to the Wifi cafe under cover of darkness; or is he or she a faithful cubicled bureaucrat, keeping tabs on a list of possible sources of information from beyond the wall? I tend to favor the second possibility, given the risks of the first. In my imagination I conjure up an unforgivably prejudicial image of a little man in thick glasses hunched over his laptop and checking the boxes to convince his superiors that he has done this week’s duty to the Party. The really interesting part of this is, of course, that now that I have written this, he or she can possibly be presumed to eventually read it. Will that produce a tear in the cloak of anonymity? Will he or she leave a comment with a return email address? Will we be able to start a conversation?

At any rate, blogging is a new world, and promises new experiences. Life is not over just because you are 94 years old and have been fired by your editor. You can now react in ways formerly inhibited by the state of your bank account (although I was only briefly paid for any of my essays, through a slip of the administrative gears once during an ownership change years ago), and look forward to slowly increasing the number of your hits by paying attention to problems outside your own parochial concerns. Maybe even expand your mind and become a true citizen of the planet.

China, are you there?

Donaldwocky

’Twas brilling and the slithy toves

Were Gerrymandered in their nests.

All guarded by their campaign troves,

Their precious perks the best.

“Beware the Donaldwock, my son!

The words that bite, the hands that grip!

Beware the Bannonbird, and shun

The frumious one-term trip!”

He took his legal sword in hand;

Long time the wily foe he sought,

Muellering: “…to take a stand?”

He stood a while in thought.

And as in iffish thought he stood

The Donaldwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the Sessioned wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! Subpoenas left and right

The thrusting blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He came galumphing back.

“And has thou slain the Donaldwock?

Come to my arms my beamish boy!

Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brilling and the slithy toves,

Safely back inside their nests,

Penced against more reckless moves,

They had survived the test.

Go back

Your message has been sent

Warning
Warning

Warning

Warning.